This was not a space that I had forgotten but I needed to take 2019 to work out some things with my life. It was, and indeed still is, one of the most informative years I have ever experienced to date. As my 36th lap around the sun had completed, I found myself in the company of some new friends, and finally began to see the value of mixing socializing with solitude. Until this year I had been distancing myself from people in the earnest belief that it is what I needed to grow. In fact I have found that some of the opposite is also true.
That brings me to an important lesson that I am still in the process of making use of, and that is balance.
See it seems so simple upon the face… Spend some time alone, spend some time with friends, spend some time alone with friends (sounds like a contradiction I know…). But it is nothing of the sort. Because I was only viewing these relationships as how they would serve me and that was unhealthy. Once I started to turn it outward, and see how I could serve these relationships, things started to really blow up in a positive way. This was a reasonable shift in perspective but I am so accustomed to not doing it it felt like some sort of epiphany. The fact of the matter is that even outward giving must be balanced to be most effective. Once I realized I could do it I gave everyone around me my all, all the time.
… and then I was run ragged. My typical rituals returned, and I retreated to recoup my energy. Now I am beginning to recognize the need to do so and going out of my way to warn those closest to me that it is coming. For those outside the circle, it isn’t especially important to know, so they are essentially left out of the conversation. Odds are they will not recognize my absence regardless, and when I come back full of my normal (chaotic) energy, they will see me as the same.
2019 has been an indispensable shift in my perspectives on life, and it has set up 2020 to be a tremendous success. There are travel tales to follow but they are all soaked in the substance of this post. I will do my best to elucidate all the feelings I was experiencing but there are only so many words before a man must simply stand with his jaw open and cry at what he’s seeing. That happened to me so many times this year that each one deserves its own post. I’ll give it the old college dropout effort to do those times and those people involved justice but I’m not sure I can.