Another idea for something to write has come into singular focus and I have decided to pull on the threads it has revealed. It may unravel in my hands or surprise me with what is underneath. In any case, I need to use my time outside of work to see what my mind can put together.
There is this image I possess of myself that is one of a creative person, but that image loses focus with the day’s work. Before I know what has happened, another day has passed and I chalk it up to “some day”. Today is some day and I have the time. Nothing could be more important.
The freedom I feel today is hard to describe. After three and a half years of diligence and no shortage of luck, a decades old debt has been eliminated. Gone are the days of planning an entire month of expenses around how I will tend to this obligation. The business has been hard pressed to turn any kind of profit with this ever present burden and now it is gone.
It has me considering what this business could actually accomplish free of the constraints of debt. These are considerations that I’m not sure I have ever been able to make until now. This is a wonderful feeling. It makes me actually look forward to the coming year, and the elimination of further debts. The next items on the list are much smaller and manageable. They have much less of the crush that this one did.
Breathing is wonderful.
There have been some unexpected peaks and valleys in my emotional landscape over the past few weeks. As discussed in a previous post, the end of a decade long struggle with a business debt gives me a renewed sense of vigor toward what is coming. The flip side of that has been a nagging reminder that I am no closer to finding a real passion and/or calling for myself.
The time I have had to devote to the business and the unbalanced toll it takes on my non-work life has become entirely too much. There is a disproportionate part of my self-worth tied up in a business that will give me a modest, albeit honest living. Every day I come home, I struggle to divest myself of these trappings when I walk through the door. Even now, on a supposed day off, what comes next is invading most of my thoughts.
Lest I sound like a whiny little bitch I will highlight that I am able to live in relative comfort and I report to no one except myself. But the reporting is never ending. Checking in with myself and making sure I am invested enough in this business is 24/7, 365. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, I drag myself straight through the mud.
But in confirmation of my expectations, mercifully, a decade old debt will be eliminated at the end of this month. That provides a mile marker that I haven’t seen in years. And that gives me some clarity, even if it is fleeting.