A sobering jolt.

Learning about someone’s failing health is always a little jarring but much more so when that someone is closely related to you. It seems my brother has found his way to congestive heart failure.

Not sure how I am supposed to feel when greeted with this news, but I know that whatever it is, I’m not experiencing enough of it. The truth of the matter is that upon close examination, I don’t feel much at all. This has made me question if there is something fundamentally missing in our relationship that can’t be recovered. If that truly is the case, then I have already done all the feeling I’m capable of.

The most disconnected and resentful parts of me want to speak up at this point and say that this was entirely his own doing. But that isn’t especially helpful to the situation. So rather than allow those voices to have full control, I hear them out internally and leave it at that. Is that the healthiest thing to do? I honestly have no idea. But it does help me wrap my mind and heart around what is currently happening, and what may be imminently happening.

My brother could very well die from this. Even now as I have typed that and read it back to myself, there was nothing screaming out to be addressed. I almost feel disappointed in myself for this lack. But is that helpful? I’ve always maintained that we only control what we do, say, and feel as an individual. That whatever someone else does, says, or feels, is their business, not ours. I can’t help but feel like this is in error on this occasion. I only have one brother, he may be dying, and I feel nothing about that. None of the anger. None of the sadness. None of the pity. That may be the most sobering fact behind all of this. Despite the despair I should be experiencing, there’s none to be had.

Maybe this is my best expression for the situation. I have turned to an almost stoic resignation that this is the only way things could have been. This was an inevitable conclusion, and my involvement is only as a source of compassion and strength for those who will actually be harmed by this turn of events.

Sometimes we mourn the living, and this feels like one of those times.

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