The weekend brings a feeling that I should be doing something with the time. That any amount of sitting around engaged in pointless leisure should somehow carry a guilt. This is a feeling that I can’t seem to be free of.
I’ve always read and observed that people who “get places” basically never stop working and there is a part of me that has internalized that idea and told me not to stop moving. In the mean time I will spend hours considering what I should be doing, sitting in the thoughts and never acting on them. This is equally useless. Maybe I’m overthinking?
Maybe I have too high of a standard for my own conduct. So high that I can’t hope to achieve it. I believe it is valuable to take stock of where you are and wish to be, but perhaps the latter notion is detrimental if you don’t have a precise target. A lack of a specific and measurable level of success can make the searching seem daunting.
There is also a part of me that wants to continue down the road of being a Jack of All Trades. My knowledge will be wide and varied in scope, but mastery may elude me for a lifetime. This carries a weight of its own. To know that mastery is something I may only observe in others. But I cannot be outside myself looking toward this person to see if there is already some form of mastery that I am blind to. Maybe my particular brand of creativity is not one particular thing, but in all things I attempt with conviction. Does that make me a living? Not really. In fact it poses more questions than answers.
But I am a seeker: of ideas, of skills, of wisdom, of experience. There is always more to learn.