The need for change.

There has been an incessant voice in my head for as long as I can remember that has told me to keep moving. Keep trying to find that certain something that will feel like purpose, the fundamental thing that drives my life. This has given me ample opportunities to try my hand at a million different things with varying degrees of success but none of them so far has felt like the one.

Am I missing the point of the whole thing by constantly searching? Does this rob me of my availability to be present in every moment? These are the questions that come up every day in my mind. These are the thoughts that are responsible for how I operate on a daily basis and I don’t feel as though they are always my own. They feel like automation to some degree, and that is a frustrating feeling.

The first voice every morning is one saying to search. The voice offers no advice as to which direction I should be facing with this search, just that it should continue in every waking hour until satisfaction is achieved. Thus far the satisfaction has been either painfully brief or completely out of reach. Both scenarios leave me wondering if there is something fundamentally misplaced in my mind and heart. Figuring this out requires a different form of searching, a deep dive as opposed to a broad casing.

Writing of this now engages the broad search and it makes me want to create lists, set priorities, and go. So for now, head down and grind. Keep pushing. Rest, revise, repeat.

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