There have been some unexpected peaks and valleys in my emotional landscape over the past few weeks. As discussed in a previous post, the end of a decade long struggle with a business debt gives me a renewed sense of vigor toward what is coming. The flip side of that has been a nagging reminder that I am no closer to finding a real passion and/or calling for myself.
The time I have had to devote to the business and the unbalanced toll it takes on my non-work life has become entirely too much. There is a disproportionate part of my self-worth tied up in a business that will give me a modest, albeit honest living. Every day I come home, I struggle to divest myself of these trappings when I walk through the door. Even now, on a supposed day off, what comes next is invading most of my thoughts.
Lest I sound like a whiny little bitch I will highlight that I am able to live in relative comfort and I report to no one except myself. But the reporting is never ending. Checking in with myself and making sure I am invested enough in this business is 24/7, 365. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, I drag myself straight through the mud.
But in confirmation of my expectations, mercifully, a decade old debt will be eliminated at the end of this month. That provides a mile marker that I haven’t seen in years. And that gives me some clarity, even if it is fleeting.